From beginning to end.

October 2018 started off as any other month, busy planning Halloween costumes, getting in the mood for sweater weather although it never really hits in Charlotte til November. But then suddenly the once healthy vibrant 30 year old became sick, struck down with strep. Silently the sickness that had been in her body for months crept in and she never saw it coming.

Fast forward 5 months later I was receiving the phone call that would forever change my life. I remember 2 weeks prior going in for a simple colonoscopy thinking “oh it’ll be fine I’ll be able to eat again”. To preface I hadn’t eaten a real meal in 4 months because my stomach would either erupt into pain or I wouldn’t have a bowel movement unless I chugged magnesium citrate. Which if you never have don’t. Oh that was not the case. For 2 agonizing days we waited patiently for the results of an abnormal biopsy. I remember sitting in the shower floor crying as the water poured down on me praying to God that if it was cancer to give me strength to keep going. I spoke to him saying I know it had been awhile since we had talked but I trust him and the plan he has given to me.

That Monday at 2:28 as I was preparing to wake up my little at work I got the call. THE CALL. It was almost like my body went into shock and I simply replied to the doctor “Thank you and have a nice day”. I went about my day as I normally would walking to get my kids from school and not even grasping what had just been said to me. All I wanted to do was keep going with my daily routine. Maybe the bad stuff would just go away if I did that. That afternoon was filled with phone calls to Mom and Dad and a few close friends and tears that were dried up quickly in the bathroom so my nanny kids wouldn’t suspect anything was wrong. That night I cried and cried as Joe held me saying with such positivity how we would get through this. That weekend we spent with friends as I broke the news and we just cried together and prayed that the outcome would be great.

February 24th would begin the hardest fight of my life, as I had gotten so weak I physically couldn’t walk up the stairs and had to be carried up and to my bed. That night the decision was made to drive to Duke and to be seen by doctors, the drive was long and filled with many tears. The next few days were filled with doctors, bloodwork, emergency surgery and the very real aspect that I was in the fight for my life.

There is not rest for the weary when you’re fighting cancer that’s for sure. By the time they  did another scan 3 weeks later we would learn I would need the most aggressive chemo and my tumor was advancing to stage 4 very quickly. So 2 weeks after surgery we began the first out of 8 round chemo and boy did it kick my ass. Again I prayed to God making my peace with him if it was indeed my time to go I would not argue. But good old mom came in telling me to fight because she was not going to bury her daughter and that I was going to fight and not give up because too many people were praying for me and for Harold to get out of my body. She was right as she always is. Most days were spent on the couch or in bed as mom tried to get me to eat and drink or held me while the chemo pain was so bad I just wanted to give up and roll over. 8 chemo treatments, 28 days of radiation and 2 surgeries under my belt I can officially say with gusto that I am cancer free and on my way to gaining my life back.

If this ordeal has taught me anything is patience and strength. I have been through more crap in my 30 years and in some cases have literally hit what I thought at the time was rock bottom. I realize know that God put me through all those trials not to break me but because he was teaching me strength and showing my how strong I truly am as he knew my hardest battle in life was about to come to light. I prevailed. I beat the statistics and even proved my doctors wrong. My oncologist said to me at my last appointment that he honestly didn’t think I was going to make it to the end. Kind of made me feel like the underdog or the tortoise who was slow but steady and won the race.

Before this journey started I was the girl who was shy in a crowd, never tried anything new and didn’t know her own inner strength.  I am strong and I am ready to face anything life throws at me. Some days are still filled with tears and temper tantrums because I just want to be normal again and have my old life back. I have learned though it’s okay to cry to be angry and upset. But I can’t let that stop me. I will never have the life I had before this and I am okay with that. All I can do I to continue to trust God and the plan he has for me. I have to keep going and keep moving foward.

“To the warriors who are fighting, to the ones who have just started the fight and to the ones who have fought and lost, we are all brave warriors in the fight”

 

Parking lot prayers

I was raised Lutheran and every Sunday it was Sunday school at 9:45 and church at 11. Every week like clockwork we would get dressed in our Sunday best, as we say in the south, after a delicious pancake or waffle breakfast and off we would go. Upon arriving mom would proceed to march me to my class where I was enticed by the snacks that were offered and then after it was off to church where I would scamper off to see Miss Hazel and collect my worthers original. My favorite part of church though was communion because mom would always walk with me and as we would kneel together she’d share her bread with me. I hit all the church milestones including my first communion, my first bible, confirmation, my senior sermon, summers at Lutheridge and was very firm in my faith. As we got older mom and dad got more lenient and some Sunday’s were missed but most Sunday’s I still continued to go.

As I got older I began to question my faith and eventually moving to Charlotte left me without a home church. I was introduced to several by friends but none of them seemed to be “my church”. I will admit there were times when I would question how God could exist and how could he let such terrible things happen in the world.

As with anything people move, people passed away and as I got older familiar faces became few and far. When the news of my cancer became public and I was added to the prayer list, I was amazed at the outreach of my home church back in Asheville. People I had never even meet were going up and hugging mom and dad crying with them saying “it’ll be okay”. The cards, well wishes and phone calls were all graciously welcomed and received thus beginning the infamous card table. Easter Sunday has always held a special place in my heart and that was the day I made my grand appearance back at church. Nervous as the first day of school due to not wanting to faint or be nauseous I made my way inside and sat down beside momma. But it was like no time had passed, smiles and waves from families I knew and some I didn’t.

They say God is present always and you just have to be quiet and listen.

Driving home yesterday I pulled off an exit to get gas since I didn’t want to test my luck on empty. So as I am swiping my card I hear “ma’am could you help me?” Turning around I see a gentleman standing behind me and proceeds to ask me for something to eat. I tell him no and explain that I have helped other people this way and was not about to be played for a fool. But the good in me speaks up and I root around and find a dollar and hand it to him. He then starts tells me his life story and how addiction is hard etc to which I say yes it is and harder than what I’m going through as the talk turns to my cancer journey. Next thing I know we are standing in the QT parking lot praying for me. I regret not remembering his name and I will probably never see him again. After he finished and I drove away I started thinking and I gave a little chuckle as if it was God sending me a little reminder he’s still here even if my faith falters a little.